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WE SELL ENERGY DRINKS

Dear Greater Newark,

We sell energy drinks.

Since our first season in ~~1996~~ 2006, Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey has helped build Red Bull into a global brand that sells nearly $4.4 billion worth of energy drinks each year and is firmly established as the most successful organization in the history of energy drinks (suck, it, Mountain Dew).

On September 2, at 7:30 p.m. at the Hooters on Route 17 in Paramus, we will continue to build the Red Bull brand as we sponsor an Extreme Wing Eating and Red Bull & Vodka Drinking competition.

Our rivals, Rockstar Energy Drink, don't even own a soccer team, let alone a soccer team that sponsors Extreme Wing Eating and Red Bull & Vodka Drinking competitions. They have said that our ownership of one of the losingest organizations in the history of American professional soccer is foolish. They have focused their marketing campaigns on sponsorships of skateboarders and off-road auto racing teams.

For 14 4 seasons, our marketing campaigns have been the standard by which other marketing campaigns in Major League Soccer are measured.

For 14 4 seasons, our marketing campaigns have brought unmatched pride to our supporters and unmatched branding to our product.

And now, after 14 4 marketing-filled seasons, it is time for our fans – for all Greater Newark area energy drink fans – to remind everyone who the best energy drink marketers in the country are.

I know not all of you are Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey fans. Many of you aren’t even energy drink consumers, but a challenge has been issued and we expect all sports fans in Northern Jersey to meet it. Join us at the Paramus Hooters. Smell the musk of taurine. See the waitresses bounce. Stand up and cheer. Stand up for another successful marketing campaign. Stand up for Red Bull.

We sell Energy Drinks. Join us as we sell some more.

(NOTE: in case you are obtuse, or extremely gullible, this website is a parody, and is in no way affiliated with Red Bull energy drink or Red Bull New York. It does, however, represent a significant step up from such marketing campaigns as "Metro Playoff Fever.")

Please note that the number listed below is a hit counter and not the average attendance of RBNYRBOHNJ home matches.

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